*= FILM REVIEW =* Secret Machine by Globe

Yo fools, here's a film review I just found that I did for Globe's Secret Machine a while back. Finding this is kinda like finding an uneaten piece of cheese pizza under the sofa pillow, although hopefully you won't get jaundice from this. Read at your own risk...

Secret Machine by Globe

What do you get when you throw a cast of Globe's all star surfers, dreamlike destinations (including the usual suspects like Indo and Oz), and brilliant filmmaking together in one box? If you guessed Richard Simmon's Sexty Second Abs you're wrong and you should immediately redirect yourself to the dungeons and dragons website, but if you guessed Secret Machine, you are correct and you can keep reading! Starring Taj Burrow, The Hobgoods, Nathan Webster, Yadin Nichol and Dion Agius, surely, the Globe team and the film makers behind this flick have really out done themselves this time!

Secret Machine is a surf video that is much more than meets the eye. On the surface, there lies a video filled with fascinating water shots, an excellent sound track, and surfing that will literally make your jaw drop each time through. Beneath the film, if you look closely, lies a number of brilliant underlying themes and motifs that most viewers at first sight unfortunately disregard as "useless philosophical crap". With the combination of all of these elements, Secret Machine makes for an unforgettable viewing experience each and every time you watch it.

The film itself has a certain surreal quality to it in the fact that every segment seems like a new dream in which we are only to be suddenly awoken at any given moment; the line between fiction and reality is never quite clear; same goes for the surfing. With an all star line-up consisting of CJ Hobgood, Taj Burrow, Yadin Nichol, Damien Hobgood, Nathan Webster, and new up-and-comer Dion Agius, it is safe to say that their phenomenal surfing alone could truly make this film. With some of the most progressive surfing I have seen in years, the stars of Secret Machine not only get shacked out of their freaking minds but some of the airs they pull were moves that I once thought to only exist in the realm of skate and snow. If you think Yadin’s rodeo 360 air is impressive or the Hobgoods varial airs and corkscrews are gnarly, just wait till you see Dion pull one of his patented Kerr-Agius flips, certainly it will froth your socks off! Add these innovative freak ticks to the stylish slashes, hacks, and carves of a sir Nathan Webster and you’ve got yourself 80% of the film. The last remaining element, the icing on the cake (if you will), is that of super star Taj Burrow. Although Taj’s presence is not as constant as the other rippers, his surfing without a doubt makes up for his tardiness. Flawlessly boosting the most amazing airs combined with his classic tail wafts and floater tweaks, Taj proves once again that he is never one to disappoint.

What could be better than some of the finest surfing ever depicted in a film?  The finest surfing ever depicted in a film accompanied by some tasty tunes of course. With bands like The Arcade Fire, Years Around The Sun, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs belting out some of their greatest songs, it’s obvious that the music is the backbone of this film. Like the creepy man’s voice said in the beginning: “it’s the perfect example of light and sound arriving together.”  How right you are sir, how right you are!  The pinnacle example of this perfect light and sound convergence without a doubt goes down during the Tavarua section!  Featuring the song entitled "Rebellion (lies)" by Arcade Fire (my favorite song eva of course) this section will most likely put you in a somnambulent state (look it up kook) as you unwillingly get lost in the haze of the music, the beautiful Tavi barrells, and the mind boggling performances by supa rippas like Occy, The Hobgoods, and Taj!  Every time I watch this section not only does it encompasses the heavenly experience of what it's like to surf Cloudbreak, but I always seem to be in need of a new pair of shorts afterwards...WEIRD!  And that's just ONE of the many sections of this vid, imagine what happens after the entire film (or not)!  Just watch the flick and you'll know what I'm freaking talking about.  

For those of you who haven't seen this film yet, Secret Machine is available in the Surf Ambassador Video Vault located somewhere in Downtown LA on the corner of crack and heroine (come by and meet my neighbors, they're so friendly right Cahil?).  However, if you don't feel like getting your ween chopped off, I'd suggest checking your local surf shop for this baby, she is surely worth every penny!  Secret Machine, although a few years young, still remains one of my top three vids in my DVD player.  Not only does the film pump  me up to go charge, get shacked, and attempt huge airs, but each time I watch it, I see something new that I didn't catch the first time around.  It's almost like the film changes itself into something different each time I put it in (that's what she said).  From the mystical destinations including: Oz, Indo, Fiji, Baja (Salsa Puedes dark pit of shit death!), and France, to the combination of epic surfing and classic music; Secret Machine has truly got it goin on!  From the first time I drunkenly witnessed this epic flick at UCSB to the last time I saw it just today, the level of froth (excitement) that it invokes in me each time grows stronger each and every time I slide this baby in my DvD player!  But don't take my word for it,  go grab yourself a copy, and see the stunning beauty with your own eyes.  But mums the word, cause after all... this is the SECRET MACHINE!   

Bad Economy? If you can't afford the video, watch this snid bit to tide over your taste buds, bud!

Da Nor Chore Part 2 + A VERY Special Treat

Da Nor Chore Part 2

A very lovely Sunset at Sunset beach right in front of my Sunset Beach Beach House

Yo freaks, shneaks, and tiddly winks
I just stopped by the Red Bull HQ in Santa Monica to make a drop for work and snagged a tall boy of that liquid shneek drink they make and boy let me tell you, I am straight up Ja-hone-zing! (jonesing). If my hand could stop from shaking and my mind could stop from racing, I'm sure I'd think of something relevant or witty to say, but nah (big nahhh), I'm gona just dive straight into this shit, head first.

Like I was previously stating in my last Nor Chore Post... as I awoke on the north Shore of Oahu, I found myself amidst a lucious environment with everything a surfer could ever dream of (ie babes, beaches, and backdoor barrells). It was like heaven on earth... 

and then the rain came down...

My second morning on the North Shore, I awoke to a storm raining like cats and dogs which surely did not let up at all that day. The final day of the Pipe contest was called off and so I stayed inside and got some work done. However, my third day on The Rock, I awoke once again to rain, but this time they decided to run the comp. I hopped on my bike, cruised by the Sunset house, and met the team over at our trailer right at Ehukai Beach park, the forefront of the Banzai Pipeline.

As I walked down the beach to check out the waves at Pipe, I felt a cool off shore breeze grae my neck as I opened my eyes to a sight I've only once seen in my dreams... utter and pure perfection! But this was definitely not no normal perfection, it was perfection at it's finest; aka perfection on meth! In person, Pipe was the gnarliest wave I have ever witnessed first hand. Guys were out practicing for the final day, and just straight up dropping into death bombs that made Big Rock look like Perez Hilton wearing a pink mumu and sipping an orange Mocha frappacino on a Sunday afternoon on Santa Monica Blvd! 

I couldn't believe my eyes (and aparently other parts of me couldn't either, I was definitely a little excited at such an amazing site, yeeeaaa about thatttttt). Pipeline truly is the proving ground mecca for all surfers around the World. Pipe as I knew it was the real deal!  Pipe was the most perfect beauty I had ever laid eyes on and on that final day of the Pipeline Masters contest something special happened... the stars aligned, my prayers were answered by Poseidon, and the water turned into chocolate! Now that's what I call the icing on the cake! Due to the recent pouring rain, all of the run off went straight into the ocean and needless to say, the waves at Pipe became a day filled with Chocolate Barrells!
A few moments later, with the blink of an eye, the contest was on and the waves were gangbusters! As I went through my day working the contest and lending a helping hand every which way.  Luckily, I managed to squeze a few quick snap shots and broll video footage during the event. Unfortunately, I did not have the time nor the proper equipment to film any surfing that went down (looks like you're just gona have to wait for the TV show).  What lies bellow is the few pictures and video clips I was lucky enough to take during the event, along with some radical pictures provided by the legendary Sir Snarf McMeowskers. I've been slaving away in my downtown cave editing this piece for your enjoyment so love it or hate it, I did it all for the nookie (so you cna take that cookie and...). Without further adiue, I am proud to bring you the world premiere of Surf Ambassador Hendo's first ever video appearance as I bring you my final day at the 2008 Pipeline Masters. Wish I ahd someone to introduce me, but umm (this is weird) Hendo, take it away:

The Powers At Be Have Been Very Busy Lately

Yo wuzzzzzzzzzzup home slice?!

Surf Ambass and his crew of woodworking worms have been frothing in the dark depths of myrtle town foaming very hard on something just for you all! (don't understand a single word I just said?  GOOD!  New Donesian glossary on its way, thanks to Webster).  Anyways, I hate to constantly be playing a game of "just the tip" with you all, but hold on and sit tight cause what is to come shall surely be worth the wait, you have my word on that one (so don't get your panties in a wad Anonymous Comment Kook!).  As a matter of fact if you aren't satisfied with what's to come, I will give you your money back guaranteed, walk the streets of LA in my wetsuit for the day, and eat a bag of orange Crasins in one sitting (we all know how disturbed I am by those fuckin things and what happened last time I did that in Jamul back in 99).  For now check out this frothy vid of Jordy Smith completely tearing Taylor Steele's Stranger Than Fiction to shreds!  This video changed my mind about Jordy Smith for ages to come (even though I still think Dane is sicker and wish I could find Mitch Coleborn's part because it's one of the most MENTAL goofy footer sections I've seen in a while)  But alas, this will definitely suffice, straight up this part is MENTAL!  It's shit like this that just goes to show how truly gnarly surfing has gotten, take it away J Smith: 

Shout out to lil buddy Chris White, heard you messed up yo neck?  Hang in there partner, you'll be frothing in no time.  

Peace out yall and stay tuned later this week

Keep the shhhhhhhhralp alive!

I Love Dolphins

I Love Dolphins

I Love Dolphins.  

Those slimmy little fucks are precious creatures of Poseidon's playground and I love them.  I love them so much I would write a poem about them.  I love them so much I would stick my ween into a vice and tighten it till it exploded.  I love dolphins on surfboards.  I love them on women.  I love dolphins on bus stops and dolphins on the bus.  I hate tramp stamps but I even 

love dolphin tramp stamps.  One time a dolphin did an air in front of me on a wave in Huntington and it was at that point that I knew dolphins also loved me.  An ugly chick could have a tattoo of a dolphin and I'd still be frothing at the mouth!  I love them so much that I would wake up in Chino again in a hotel room filled with 12 scattered bodies and faces saying "did that really just happen?" just to see a dolphin (thank you Snarf McMeowskers for picking our asses up the next morning, Reese Wizzardspoon will never be forgotten, unfortunately neither will the Galapagos whale that graced her presence with us either).  I love dolphins so much that when I  duck dive

I sometimes start singing to them under water or perhaps jump off my board and swim with them for a bit.  Dolphins are rad.  Can you imagine getting domers from a dolphin?  Best evaaaaaa mate.  Do you htink dolphins drink water?  Do fish drink water?  How the hell do they sleep?  I head that dolphins are smarter than humans once, that's obviously bull shit cause I ain't never seen no dolphin cruising the waves on an Escalade with chromed out 22's, a pair of stunna shades, and some Shimay in hand, ain't neva seen that!  Also, you would think that if they were smarter than humans that they would be able to speak english or at least learn sign language or something to communicate with us.  Even if they aren't as smart as us, I still love the little fucks.  Happy international dolphin day from the team here at Surf Ambassador Hendo!

North Shore Part 2 Coming soon (hold your horses anonymous comment kook!)

   

Da Nor Chore Part 1

Welcome To Da Nor Chore, we'll get you on the rock but there's no guarantee you'll come back.    

Above is a snap shot of a typical day at Ehukai Beach Park, the sand bar just feet away from the monster that is Pipeline.  

Howz it brahs?  Finally the time has come for me to tell the tale of my epic journey out on the North Shore of Oahu (so quit fucking complaining anonymous comment kook! haha).  As we all know, every winter, starting sometime in November, plane loads full of the best surfers around the World land in Honolulu, snag their board bags, and hop in a truck headed down the H1 towards the 7 Mile Miracle that is The North Shore.  It's no wonder they call it the 7 Mile Miracle, the place is truly unbelievable! 

I flew out from LAX to lend a helping hand with the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing.  Upon landing, I was immediately bum-rushed by the typical media frenzy full of thirsty photog sharks and paparazzi assholes asking me for the same boring interviews and autographs ("is it really 13 inches?"  "did you really land the first air reverse ever?" blah blah blah).  That has been pretty normal recently along with the nonstop badgering of the pro hoes and teeny boppers but fortunately, I was eventually greeted by 5 beautiful ladies who were kind enough to lei me, lay me, and then pay me.  It was uber weird, they said they had been reading my blog since day one, they were wearing t-shirts with my face on them, they had tattoos with my name on them, they claimed to be my biggest fans, and they said that they wanted to be my Hendo Harem for my 12 day stay.  As weird/creepy/stalkerish as it was, I was fine with it, I accepted the invitation, took a sip of my Lava Flow, tipped my top hat, snagged my cane, and began my debaucherous journey...    

The Ambassador with his lovely Hendo Harem (notice the "Hendo" tattoos that so elegantly grace these beloved angels.) 

Ahhhhhhhhh crap!  What?  Where am I?  Who?  What's going on?  As I awoke with drool on my sleeve and some large Samoan woman kicking my leg to use the rest room, I realized that was all but a dream.  Drats!  The sandman has done it again and brought me a dream that will only be real in 4 years, damn you sandman, damn you!

Anyways, on to the good stuff.  The company I currently work for is involved with creating the TV shows for the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing, and so fortunately they were more than generous enough to fly me out to lend a helping hand.  I was super stoked to go out there and help out with the show, not to mention, my froth was beyond belief!  I've been to most of the Islands on Hawaii many times but never the North Shore so needless to say, the first night I got there, I was immediately feeling like a kid in a candy store as we drove by Haleiwa, the legendary Foodland, Pipeline, Sunset, and of course Ted's Bakery.  But my stoke certainly did not end there.  That night we went on a little bike ride to pick up some food and beverages from Foodland and I was luckily given the loc tour by one of our filmers as he pointed out all of the legendary surf spots along with all the famous houses and crews that dwelled inside them.  The North Shore as I knew it, was like heaven on earth:

 or so I thought...    

To Be Continued.............